Anxious attachment styles where my girl at. Hello. I also wanna say that this is more common than you think. What's really going on beneath the surface? What if that connection starts to feel really suffocating? I'm gonna dive into the dark, sticky mess of the neediness, the fear, the low self-esteem, and how we can untangle it.
The behaviors that we're about to go into. It's rooted in something deep, most likely our childhood and what we had to do to survive. Fear of a abandonment. Constant need for reassurance and that clingy feeling that shows up when we don't feel good enough. That is a trap that we fall into, and then we start acting absolutely insane to make sure that we feel chosen by our partners.
You're so afraid of being left behind that your reactions are out of proportion, the situation, so you're making a bigger deal than it needs to be. This fear usually stems from the past trauma of abandonment or not feeling secure in early relationships. You might find yourself pushing people away before they can leave you, or you become hypervigilant waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Like, oh my God, this is so good, but something's gonna happen. I need to do everything I can to make sure that this person keeps choosing me. The fear of being abandoned is like living with one foot out the door, even when everything feels fine on the other side. It's like you're between two worlds. You also constantly need reassurance how annoying we can get.
Please tell me you love me. Tell me I'm pretty, do you like this? What do you feel about me? Because this is how I'm getting my validation. You need to start doing internal validation. Tell yourself, rewire your programming. Do affirmations in the mirror. I swear to God, they really work. I've done it. I was anxious Attachment style.
If you're constantly seeking validation to make sure that that partner isn't going anywhere and that they need to confirm it again and again, that is a sign of your own security. And it's also a sign that you lack internal validation. You're looking for love from others that you can't even give yourself.
And if you can't give it yourself that who's gonna give it to you. You have to show up for yourself first. You have to give it to yourself first, so other people then will fall in line. It's a mirror. Believe in yourself before other people. Believe in you. Love yourself before other people can truly love you.
The real you, the authentic you, the unapologetic you that you are so afraid to show to other people. And when you start seeking reassurance, that stranger relationships, it leaves your partner feeling drained or the pressure to prove their loyalty constantly, and that is exhausting. The more that you need the reassurance, the more you're telling yourself that you're not enough.
When you start doing that, then clinginess and neediness comes at play. I have been told my whole entire life that I'm way too needy. Yeah, I believe him. I believe him. Sometimes. You're the common denominator. Oh, you're not giving me the love I want. You're not doing this, you're not doing that. But what if it is you?
What if the common denominator is you? For me, it was neediness. It was me searching for validation because I didn't believe in myself enough. I had no confidence. Believe it or not, people would never know that about me. I walk into any party or any room, like I own the place. That whole fake it till you make it.
Yeah, that was me. Did it been there? Got the t-shirt. It's honestly over attachment. You might find yourself needing to know where your partner is, who they're with, what they're doing, sometimes without even realizing that you're doing it, and then you start going through their phones and searching their iPhone app where they are like, that's a little crazy.
Do not waste your time doing that. But I'm not here to shame you. I'm here to tell you that I've been there and that's why I'm trying to. Bring it to your awareness so we don't act like that anymore. So we are recovering anxious attachment styles to secure attachment style. It's all just tied to deep insecurities about your self worth, your self concept.
I. The fear of losing the relationship is so overwhelming that it manifests into this excessive closeness, and it's super unfair for both parties. This creates a huge imbalance in the relationship, leaving both partners super unsure, but your neediness and your chasing, okay, let's just stop. What would you do if somebody is chasing you?
You don't turn around and start chasing that person, right? That'd be crazy. They're running from you. They're not gonna turn around and start chasing you back so you can't chase, literally don't chase, especially a man, do not chase him. If you're constantly chasing him and seeking him, he's not gonna have room to hunt and gather, and he needs to be a fucking hunter.
Needing to be everything to someone else is like wearing a mask made of fear and desperation, and you're so busy holding onto that, that you forgot just to be yourself and why they fell in love with you in the first place. So you put on all these masks to make sure that they stay all those eggshells, you're walking on all those needs that are not being met because you're too afraid to share them because you wanna feel chosen.
Anxious attachment. You also have difficulty with boundaries because you don't know where your needs stop and your partner's needs begin. You may say yes when you mean no, or overextend yourself or fail to protect your emotional space. And that issue often stems from the fear of rejection, of wanting to please others just to feel accepted.
You're like, choose me. I'm a pick me girl. Now I wanna feel loved so badly. You're going to kill 'em. You're like strangling 'em, and that lack of boundaries can cause resentment, burnout, and it'll ultimately push every single one of your lovers away. I promise you that they can't handle that. They can't handle the pedestal that you put them on because they don't belong there.
You belong there. You're on your own damn pedestal. Kick whoever's on it out and put yourself back on there where you belong. Straighten out your crown boundaries are not walls. They are bridges. When you don't have them, you end up in a tug of war of needs leaving you and your poor body drained and confused.
It then turns to jealousy and insecurity. So feeling jealous without cause or comparing yourself to others constantly, even the smallest things can trigger that response. And at that core jealousy comes from a lack of trust, not just in others, but actually within yourself. You don't feel enough and you fear that you're being replaced, that poisons you on the inside, that poisons your relationships.
That makes you feel like you're constantly competing with invisible threats. You're literally creating monsters in your own head that aren't there. They don't exist. Yes, there's a big world. There will always be somebody younger, hot or funnier, whatever. They're not you. Know your worth. Work on that worth, reprogram your worth.
Detach from anxious attachment style so this never happens to you again. So then you go out in the world and you attract who is really on your level, who can love you for authentically being you. Then you're unafraid of showing them that real side of you. Yeah. I'm a little bit of a freak. I can say the craziest thing sometimes the people that really know me, they know all the layers.
There's so many different layers of me. I'm not just some fun go with the flow type gal. The people that don't really know me think that I'm that way. I actually had one friend say, oh, this is my friend Shannon. I kind of control her what I thought. I was so easygoing. That I, I didn't wanna rock the boat, I just went along with it.
But really, she did kind of control me because I did not express my needs because I did not wanna cause war or fights, and I just kind of went with everything. Anxious attachment style. I. It doesn't even have to always be with lovers. It can also be with how you show up, with work with your boss, with your friends, with your family.
We create these monsters when we don't believe in our own value. It's like comparing your reflection to a broken mirror. It's distorted and it's pointless. What low self-esteem looks like is constantly feeling like you are not worthy of love, success, or happiness. You have to put yourself down to seek validation from others because you don't believe that you're deserving, and that could even be from your programming.
I know I grew up thinking that I needed to be poor because that was virtuous. Like that is so jacked up. What? Rich people, they don't enter the kingdom of heaven. No. If you really study the Bible, you know that the Lord gives you wealth. This often just comes from any kind of childhood message. It could be from this society that you were around, the personal experiences that diminished your worth.
It led to self-sabotage, staying in toxic relationships and settling for less than what you deserve. How many times have you stayed in that relationship because you were so afraid to get out, so you let the abuse happen? It doesn't have to be physical, right? It can be a mind F, but you let it happen because you were so afraid to leave.
You were so afraid of being alone and dying alone, that you don't believe in yourself, that you can literally create the life that you want, that you're worth your fucking gem, beautiful woman crown of creation. Remember that? What can we do about this? The best thing that you can do first is acknowledge it.
Bring it to awareness. The second thing is practice self-compassion. You did what you could with the resources that you had in survival mode. Don't shame that version of you. Love and honor that version of you. Thank her, but now you need to remind her that that's not you anymore. You're moving on up, baby.
Best and better are on its way to you right now because you now know your self-worth. Third, set those boundaries and don't forget that those boundaries are there for bridges. It's not a wall, it's not a no, and the right people will respect that and love and honor that and wanna be around you and in your circle because of that.
You are worthy of love and belonging just as you are. Just as you are right now. Start practicing self validation and set at least one boundary this week. I wanna leave you with this. Relationships are the ultimate mirror. If you do not like what you're seeing, then change who you are on the inside.
Recalibrate. You got this. Keep going. Thanks so much for listening to Dichotomy with Shannon. See you on the next one.